I hope that the story I’m about to share cuts to what the core of what it means to be human in relationship with other humans. It’s a story of conflict and love; a story about connection and fear and unrequited love. It’s the story of how my husband bought a helmet mounted camera. I think it’s fair for me to say that one of my deepest yearnings is to feel a connection with other people. I long to know and be known. At the same time, I fear extending love with abandon. No relationship highlights this for me more than my marriage. Love in its very nature is not self-seeking. When I love Rob well, I’m vulnerable. I’m not seeking my own good but his. This feels dangerous. It is dangerous. “Keep your guard up!” is the self protecting battle cry of independence, but when I love I put my guard down. I’m open to attack. The person who can hurt me the most is the person who I love the most. If I choose to love Rob well, he could choose to abuse my love and me. Thankfully, Rob is not the kind of man who abuses me or my love. He receives love from, and he nurtures the connection that grows in the soil of love. Like me, he puts down his guard, and shows love. Thus we live in blissful love… until we don’t. Maybe Shelley woke up a few too many times in the night, or I just failed at something work related. Maybe the world starts to overwhelm me. Or maybe Rob wants to spend money on something, and I want to spend that same money on something else. At moments like those, I could ask, “How can I love my spouse?” but I normally ask, “What’s in it for me?” Why I ask what’s in it for me?Asking, “What’s in it for me?” is a self-protecting question, and I admit it’s often the first question in my mind when Rob tells me that he wants to budget for something that doesn’t directly benefit me. Rob and I create a unique budget every month, and every month Rob makes a case to buy something to fix a problem that I didn’t know was a problem. He spends several minutes painting the picture of some dire situation, and I nod along and tune out. When he appears to be done, I ask, “And how much will that cost?” Most of the time he says something like “two sixty nine” and I clarify, “Two hundred and sixty nine dollars?” “No,” he says, “Two dollars and sixty nine cents.” But every so often, Rob likes to ask for big things. Over the last few months, he’s asked to budget for a mattress, orthotics, physical therapy, bike refurbishing, and most recently a helmet mounted camera. All this while we’re paying expensive hospital bills and transitioning to one paltry income. Yes, these big requests stress me out even though Rob brings them up at the right time (during budget meetings). The stress of these big requests makes me feel edgy and angry and vulnerable. The thing that I hold dear, transitioning to stay at home momhood is on the line, and Rob mentions these hundred or thousand dollar purchases as if we’ve got nothing to lose. At times like these, I feel unloved, and I respond with a mental question, “What’s in it for me?” The question forces me to respondThe question forces me to respond to myself. I mentally say, “We don’t have enough.” I think, “What about the things that I want?” The vulnerability of expressing my fears hurts to much, so I put on my armor. I’m ready to fight, and I do. I say things that indicate to Rob that he doesn’t really deserve equal access to our money. A sucker punch to the gut. But what if I could respond differently? I can’t stop myself from asking, “What’s in it for me?” but I think I could train myself to respond in love rather than with a fight, but what’s the right answer to what’s in it for me? The right answerI was surprised when I realized that there is a right answer. The thing that I can gain from a vulnerable budget meeting is the opportunity to demonstrate love. When I keep myself vulnerable, I get the opportunity to love my husband with a pure undemanding love.
When I feel myself asking, “What’s in it for me?” I can make the choice to respond, “This is an opportunity to love Rob.” At our most recent budget meeting, I practiced this technique. Rob wanted to purchase a helmet mounted video camera, and I became fifty shades of scared. I put up my defenses (Rob wants me to say that I girded my loins), and I was ready to fight. Then I remembered the opportunity to love Rob. Instead of digging in my heels, I explained how vulnerable frivolous spending made me feel. I didn’t want to steal his joy, but I wanted money in the bank. I didn’t demand it, but I let my desire sit. Rob nurtured the love. He said he didn’t need the camera, and that we could save the money. We both came away from that meeting feeling loved even though I got what I wanted and Rob didn’t. A few days later, Rob came to me with a proposal. He asked to sell a few old things and then keep the proceeds to buy the camera. Yes, Amen! A thousand times Amen! My clutterbug husband willingly sold things. He sold our old mattress, a laminate cutter, old electronics (though I couldn’t convince him to part with the old speakers) and more. He got his helmet mounted camera, and I got a cleaner bedroom. In this case, we got what we wanted materially and relationally. I don’t expect such great results every time, but I’m thankful for the opportunity to remember that budget meetings are for love not for gaining the upper hand in our marriage. What’s in it for me? An opportunity for love.
17 Comments
5/16/2016 06:13:48 am
Thanks for sharing Hannah! A good way to start my day. I know I sometimes forget the "we" and only think "I"
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Hannah
5/16/2016 08:53:03 pm
We rather than I is so tough but so important! Money is a reflection of our values but Rob and I aren't always in sync, so it's a test for us.
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5/16/2016 11:48:16 am
Jon almost always asks for stuff for us, rather than himself (even if it's opera tickets, lol). I realize I almost always ask for stuff for me, not us. It's not a pretty realization, but when I have it, I find myself much more mindful about what I ask for.
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Hannah
5/16/2016 08:55:08 pm
It's awesome when a spouse remembers to ask for you! Marriage before money is a wonderful ideal but a tough practice.
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5/16/2016 02:22:18 pm
Beautiful and honest example with a great take-away, Hannah. I agree that I too often view things through the selfish lens of what I want. I think it's important that you were able to explain how his proposal made you feel, and he was able to respect that and come up with a solution to accommodate both your feelings and his proposal.
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Hannah
5/16/2016 08:57:13 pm
I think it's amazing how willing Rob is to sacrifice his desires for me. I'm really thankful that he also found a way to get extra money for his camera too.
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5/16/2016 05:37:21 pm
I think this was a lesson we both had to learn in our own ways as well. I had to understand that wanting things that cost money wasn't an affront or a betrayal of our earlier agreement and he had to bear in mind that I really needed to adhere to the agreed budget and going outside it means finding creative ways to fund things. It takes time and effort to find that understanding.
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5/16/2016 10:34:51 pm
awe I love this. I like that you really took the time to examine not only how you felt, but how he did too. All too often we only see things from our point of view, and then there is a communication breakdown. Looks like you wound up with a win/win situation.
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Hannah
5/18/2016 03:02:49 pm
Absolutely! If I can manage to keep this attitude, we might always end with a win-win!
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Sister
5/16/2016 10:49:41 pm
I see that Brene has begun to enlighten your life.
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Hannah
5/18/2016 03:04:02 pm
Haha! I first read this at like 2AM, and I thought that you were some cultish creeper. Yeah, Brene totally enlightened me. Or at least gave me vocabulary that I wouldn't have otherwise used.
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5/17/2016 08:15:04 am
What a wonderful way to approach tricky situations. I always try to be really cognizant of the fact that it truly is *our* money, regardless of who earns more. It can be really hard, though, especially at times when one person wants/needs to spend more money than the other.
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Hannah
5/18/2016 03:05:47 pm
No doubt, when we have un-even wants/needs it makes it tough to be a team player. That's when the mindset matters the most.
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5/18/2016 03:16:32 pm
I think it's AWESOME that you two have planned budget meetings. My wife and I just kinda talk about it from time to time, but it wouldn't hurt to make it more structured.
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6/1/2016 05:23:35 pm
All great ideas here. Spousal finance meetings are a must.
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About HannahI'm a wife, a mom, an employee, and a personal finance nerd who is devoted to spreadsheeting my way through life. Archives
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